So tired

I've been so tired these last couple days because I'm still trying to catch up on sleep from an amazing weekend. I am so lucky and grateful for everything I have and yet, I just want to crawl into bed. I do want to say how entertaining today has been. I have had run ins with some great new friends, some great new people have been met, and I connected tonight on facebook with a couple old friends. I'm pretty lucky and now I'm off to bed. First though, I want to leave you with this great Paul Abdul video from the nineties. I heard it this last weekend and I forgot how much I loved it. I'll have the pictures up tomorrow from my trip. It was a fantastic trip.

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GBqDN3lK6E&feature=PlayList&p=6E0C3C6D7A86894D&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=4

Every trip home gets heavier

By this, I just mean that I am beginning this amazing day, here to celebrate Joe and Kristin, and I'm thinking how difficult it is to think that I will be back in LA on Monday. There just isn't enough time and It gets more difficult each time to say good bye. Any way, I'm off. I'm in the middle of a marathon...... well, metaphorically.

More about this new book

I finished my movie today and was going to go write in Barnes & Noble. I decided not to stay, then thought I'd walk through the biography section but as I was walking, a kid ran through, I ran into the shelf and saw this book....... If I Live To Be 100 by Neenah Ellis. Now I can't put it down. Most of the time, we pick out a book but this book, it picked me.

Here is a couple other thinks I wanted to point out today..

The first is this article in the New York Times Magazine's interview with Eminem.... Its worth reading. http://http//www.nytimes.com/2010/06/20/magazine/20fob-q4-t.html?src=smt3

The second is a little comedy from about 15 years ago. I was with a bunch of people this weekend and we got talking about these sketches

And Finally, here's an indulgent movie that I cannot wait for... Have a productive Monday everyone.

Lets talk about friends...well, a couple of them

This weekend has been spent mostly in thought and as an observer. It’s been nice. I spend so much of my life as an active participant, even when observing, that a weekend like this was perfect. Much of it was spent thinking about my friends. Who are these people? Why is it that I am so lucky that they have been continuous players in my life and not just characters that play a part and are off. Trust me, there are many of those people, but a significant amount of them have come and stayed planted. Of course, I don’t see them or talk to them as often as I wish I could, but they are there and are felt. I can be candid with this because it is truth. When it comes to friends, I have been blessed: Seriously blessed.

This next weekend is another one of my closest friend’s weddings. This is the catalyst for this thought process in this time of observation. Not only have I been lucky to have him in my life for so long, but he’s been like my brother. He is the closest thing to a brother that I have besides my own brother, whom I cherish and love with my whole heart. This wedding though will be bringing together a group of people who I met twelve years ago and spent an amazing week in The Dominican Republic with January of 2000. One of these people though, has been extremely special to me since the day we met, and I am confident she feels the same. This brings me to the first major point of the weekends saturated observing. Some people are meant to be in your lives and if you didn’t meet when you did, you would have met at some later point!

I find this to be exactly true about Jen G. I was a freshman in the dorms at UW Eau Claire and my roommates and I decided to have a party. Well, of course it got busted and with all of the under aged drinking happening, tickets were being passed out like candy at Halloween. When one gets a drinking ticket in the dorm, one must take a class taught by the hall director. My class was full of the under agers who happened to be in my room that night. One of them was Jen G. and we began our friendship. We were fast friends and that winter break, I found myself in her home town meeting her family and friends; one of them being Joe, who’s wedding is next weekend. Well, we have been friends ever since and it’s as most great friendships, that if we don’t talk in a while, it doesn’t mean we’re not friends, it just means that we’re busy and life is happening. Now, fast forward 7 years after I had left UW Eau Claire.

I’m on the square in Madison, WI, at the farmer’s market, shopping with Alyssa. I find flowers for my mother, purchase them and move on with my morning around the square. In the middle of talking about my preparation to move back to Los Angeles, I get a poke on the shoulder. Not because someone saw me who knew me, but because they wanted the exact flowers that I bought and had been following me to possibly get them off of me.

As I turn around to see who it is, I realize that the face is familiar: It’s Jen G. This is proof that she was suppose to come into my life; If not in college, then here, on a Saturday morning, at the farmer’s market in Madison, WI. Life is so funny and we just forget sometimes that certain things were just meant to be. Jen was with her mother and grandmother and we laughed so hard at the situation. She didn’t get the flowers from me by the way.

The other idea that popped up in my mind is that a new sustainable friend sometime has a relevance to the change that is happening in your life. That seems obvious, but it is fantastic to take interest in the correlation that the two have. This is to be said with my wonderful siren Lindsay. When we met, I had just moved to LA for the first time, and had no clue what or where I was going from there.

I got home from work one evening, after waiting tables for 8 long hours at The Cheesecake Factory, and walked into a small group of people on my roommate Ryan’s bedroom floor, organizing receipts. Ryan had just finished a film and he was working on getting everything tax related organized for when January came. I chatted for a second and then volunteered to assist on this somewhat teidies process. Lindsay was one of those people, and that is how we met. It was an insignificant night, performing an insignificant task, where I was attempting to mop up all the knowledge I could from these young industry savvy beings. That was an evening that got my wheels turning to open my eyes to what else I could accomplish and an evening where I met someone who would be my friend for a very long time. I find it so unique on how some of the most influential people in our life are introduced so generically.

Well, I’m going to go back to reading my new book. It is called “If I live to be 100” and the author is Neenah Ellis. I haven’t put it down other than twice. Once to buy it and drive home and the second was so I could write this entry. Have a wonderful Sunday night everyone.

Smells

We all know how certain smells bring us back to moments in our lives. Chocolate, rain on the hot black top, cow shit... Well, these last few days, I've been having so many memories come back with smells of my grandma's house.

Tonight we finished up recording the next Dina and Gregg Show and when we were leaving Rich and Sayra's house, it smelt like summer, sitting outside on the deck, at night at grandma's. A couple days ago I got home, and walked in my apartment and it smelt like grandma's house completely. I did my laundry last weekend and when I put it away, again grandmas'. I'm not sure if there is a chemical that is picking this stuff up, or something in my subconscious that needs that sense of self, but its there and it keeps coming out.

That is all I have for tonight. I just thought that I would share that. Keep in close touch with all of your senses. Our bodies are our indicators that we need something. We mustn't forget that. Good night.

Day 14....Acceptance

This last weekend was Los Angeles Pride, its now Wednesday morning and I am now writing about what was suppose to be reported on Monday. I am acknowledging my lack of integrity on this and filing it for "in the past" and moving on. It's now, Wednesday, 10am and I am loving life.

There was a point during our live show on Saturday night that I realized I constantly look into the forward and do not accept what is happening in that moment. I discussed that in my last entry but that really was a huge eye opener. Live in the moment and anticipate what may come up in the future, but don't live in the future.

This journey hasn't given me any answers to what am I suppose to do. Or, my calling is this and I'll be happy when I get that. That wasn't expected in this endeavor. I wanted to get to know myself better was the bottom line and I did. I think I got much more acquainted with myself than I imagined. Here are some examples why.

My day job, which there are aspects that I love, also contains aspects that I despise and make me want to get out immediately. This two week trip has made my job a little more bearable and has reminded me that it is just one part of my life, but is part of my life. It isn't separate from or in addition to, it is part of it and I can change it at any time I choose.

Another way this journey has helped is with my finances. In my early twenties, I was not fiscally responsible and because of it, lack of money scares me tremendously(like most of us) but what has been unveiled to me now it that living with in your means doesn't mean living with out, we just have to me more specific and intelligent with our decisions and purchases. It goes along with needs and wants. What is absolutely necessary and what doesn't always have to be in our possession. This obviously stems further than finances though.

A key thing to getting the equilibrium right with our needs and wants, is that when they are met in us, even for just a moment, we get a piece of clarity and can accomplish greatness. That is where we are most accessible to inspiration. That is when we create.

On Sunday, when I got home, I was so exhausted from the weekend that there was no way I could finish this voyage. I then worked on Monday, got done, replied to all of my emails and called almost everyone back, but once I was done, I was done. I had to get some sleep. Then yesterday, very similar happenings but today, I woke up with the need of sleep and rejuvenation met. I got up, wanted coffee, and came to Peets. The want was then met. Now, with music in my ears (need) and energy (need), I am getting this done to a point where I am extremely proud of it. I am also inspired to get it done. Inspired by the June Gloom, inspired by everyone else around me working on their stuff, and inspired by the group of people that have been following me through this journey. You all are amazing people that have helped me through this more than you will ever know.

Just one quick note about inspiration though: It isn't always around and we discussed the importance of being able to have it on hand when none is around. Just ask, What inspires me?

Speaking of that, on Monday at work, one of you beautiful people who are following me made me realize something in life that has to happen while "life" is going. Fun, Gossip, the fruit of it all. The juiciness that entertains us. Before there was TMZ, movies, brothels, Roman fights, there was plain old gossip, and as long as it isn't in a malicious fashion, it is essential for us to keep going. That conversation with my friend made me realize this as a belief. That is what follows us in inspiration, beliefs. Once we're inspired, we are opened up to ourselves and can really see, with focus, what we believe in. With our beliefs, which can be changed at any time because we change, sometimes daily, we can hold ourselves accountable.

Beliefs are choices that allow us to measure life as it is happening. It can keep us in a direction or allow us to create a new path. We're lucky if we know what we believe because no one can take that away from us. It is just like our voice. No one can take those things away.

Beliefs not only hold us accountable, but they also keep our integrity in tact. The unfortunate thing with me losing time and ability in the final days of this was that I couldn't share more with you what I was putting on the line every day. Things that really meant something and had some weight. I did lose integrity with some of them but I acknowledged them, and then moved on because that is what we can do and that keeps us in the present; not in the past upset because we didn't keep our word.

The final thing is acceptance. Accepting that we are just human beings. We are people that mess up, that lose our way, that accomplish amazing things, and that love. My most valuable belief is in humans. I believe in people and that we always, even not if it is until the time of judgement, will do the right thing. We really don't want to harm other people, unfortunately its a battle that is inherited to us at the moment of birth. Deep down though, we want greatness for everyone.

Accept who you are, and what you can change. Accept that you can change if you want to but also accept that you, who is reading this right now, is absolutely beautiful just the way you are.

Thank you all for following me through this!!!

Days 11,12, and 13

The thing that has been plugged into my head the last three days is condense and security. Not confidence in myself, well that always helps, but confidence in the idea of if you keep focused and in the direction you want to be going, be confident that you will get to where you're going. With security, its being secure that you're making the decisions you want and need and are inspired to make. If it doesn't work out, then you can make new decisions. Be secure and confident in what you're doing, when you're doing it, with the verve and passion you're doing it with.

The last few days have been phenomenal days. I have always loved the life I'm living, but in the last couple days, I'm really conscious of who I am, where I've been, and where I'm going. Day 14 will have a lot of detail in this, but what I can say before I run off to work more for Hot Talk LA at LA Pride is that when you begin to think forward on "whats next?" and "oh my god, I've got to get this done!", stop it and look at the moment you are living in that exact second. You'll never get that moment back again and if you're not living in it to enjoy it, then well one must think, how much of your life are you missing if you easily missed that second?

I love you all. Have a wonderful Sunday. I look forward to finishing up my 2 week journey tomorrow. Questions haven't quite been answered, but there is a whole lot of clarity.