Waiting with the Weight

Tonight at work I had an eye opening moment in the realm of my own insecurities. We were getting to the end of the night in the restaurant,(I'm in WI working at a restaurant right now if you don't know) and for some reason the two straight men, along with the female who was my closing server, got on the conversation of weight. I didn't think anything of this and when everyone was sharing. I quickly spouted out my my usual weight spectrum of 185 to 190. Knowing in my head that I haven't been eating the best, I figured it probably was around 195. Well, either way, I just let it fall off the shoulders and moved on with my life. The universe was not having that though.... Uh Uh Uhhhh! My closing server announced that she knew where a scale was down stairs and we all should check our weights right then and there.

Well that sounded the alarms. Me thinking about not eating the best turned into I'M WEARING HEAVY SHOES! IT'S THE END OF THE DAY! I SHOULD POOP FIRST! and every other possible "heavy" thought I could. Well it was about to get worse.

Two of them went and grabbed the scale and I sat there, and thought nothing of it, and then they getting adamant about me getting on it. This quickly went from a screaming in my head to an actual, "No, I will not get on that scale!!!" It wasn't about me not wanting them to know how much I weighed, it was about me not wanting to know how much I weighed. I have not thought that much about my weight since I left Los Angeles for my travels for Project Kinect. I have been conscious about what is going into my body and how much I am putting out as of exercise but haven't actually weighed myself.

Well this wasn't my most stoic moment and I ran away and hid from the guys while I quickly worked on closing duties and tried to forget my fit. While I was filling my time with tasks, I sat in the question of why did I have such a problem with this? Also, why am I so insecure with my weight? I am really, extremely insecure with my body and I have no clue where this stems from. I remember moments as a younger child at the pool thinking I was bigger. At one point I was husky, but never large. In high school I always felt that I was large but then I look back at pictures of me then and realize I was a skinny white boy. That is all.

Well now I am a gay man who lives in Los Angeles. How did I get to this point where I am so disgusted by my body? I'm not completely sure but I know that this needs to be specified and eliminated from my being. It is a major character flaw that because of this odd moment in my life, I realize that I add so much cause of other avenues of my whole being from this one small issue. That magnifies this insecurity by a million.

Needless to say, when everyone was gone, because of the monster of major insecurities, I stood on the scale to see a whopping 206 pounds. Now it's one in the morning and I am making a list of ways that I can get to a size my brain thinks I should be. That is the thing about deep seeded insecurities. It takes more than a plan to resolve it. It takes repetition, habit breaking, daily reminders that this insecurity is just that, an insecurity.

As for all of you with what ever you have that gets you screaming at friends over something absolutely childish, remember that you have to have your fit to move forward. Maybe then some resolution will come of it. Maybe not. I will just finish my bottle of Pinot Nior and try to not think about it..... Well at least until I wake up and look in the mirror. Good night beautiful people because we all are absolutely perfect and beautiful just the way we are!