This last weekend was Los Angeles Pride, its now Wednesday morning and I am now writing about what was suppose to be reported on Monday. I am acknowledging my lack of integrity on this and filing it for "in the past" and moving on. It's now, Wednesday, 10am and I am loving life.
There was a point during our live show on Saturday night that I realized I constantly look into the forward and do not accept what is happening in that moment. I discussed that in my last entry but that really was a huge eye opener. Live in the moment and anticipate what may come up in the future, but don't live in the future.
This journey hasn't given me any answers to what am I suppose to do. Or, my calling is this and I'll be happy when I get that. That wasn't expected in this endeavor. I wanted to get to know myself better was the bottom line and I did. I think I got much more acquainted with myself than I imagined. Here are some examples why.
My day job, which there are aspects that I love, also contains aspects that I despise and make me want to get out immediately. This two week trip has made my job a little more bearable and has reminded me that it is just one part of my life, but is part of my life. It isn't separate from or in addition to, it is part of it and I can change it at any time I choose.
Another way this journey has helped is with my finances. In my early twenties, I was not fiscally responsible and because of it, lack of money scares me tremendously(like most of us) but what has been unveiled to me now it that living with in your means doesn't mean living with out, we just have to me more specific and intelligent with our decisions and purchases. It goes along with needs and wants. What is absolutely necessary and what doesn't always have to be in our possession. This obviously stems further than finances though.
A key thing to getting the equilibrium right with our needs and wants, is that when they are met in us, even for just a moment, we get a piece of clarity and can accomplish greatness. That is where we are most accessible to inspiration. That is when we create.
On Sunday, when I got home, I was so exhausted from the weekend that there was no way I could finish this voyage. I then worked on Monday, got done, replied to all of my emails and called almost everyone back, but once I was done, I was done. I had to get some sleep. Then yesterday, very similar happenings but today, I woke up with the need of sleep and rejuvenation met. I got up, wanted coffee, and came to Peets. The want was then met. Now, with music in my ears (need) and energy (need), I am getting this done to a point where I am extremely proud of it. I am also inspired to get it done. Inspired by the June Gloom, inspired by everyone else around me working on their stuff, and inspired by the group of people that have been following me through this journey. You all are amazing people that have helped me through this more than you will ever know.
Just one quick note about inspiration though: It isn't always around and we discussed the importance of being able to have it on hand when none is around. Just ask, What inspires me?
Speaking of that, on Monday at work, one of you beautiful people who are following me made me realize something in life that has to happen while "life" is going. Fun, Gossip, the fruit of it all. The juiciness that entertains us. Before there was TMZ, movies, brothels, Roman fights, there was plain old gossip, and as long as it isn't in a malicious fashion, it is essential for us to keep going. That conversation with my friend made me realize this as a belief. That is what follows us in inspiration, beliefs. Once we're inspired, we are opened up to ourselves and can really see, with focus, what we believe in. With our beliefs, which can be changed at any time because we change, sometimes daily, we can hold ourselves accountable.
Beliefs are choices that allow us to measure life as it is happening. It can keep us in a direction or allow us to create a new path. We're lucky if we know what we believe because no one can take that away from us. It is just like our voice. No one can take those things away.
Beliefs not only hold us accountable, but they also keep our integrity in tact. The unfortunate thing with me losing time and ability in the final days of this was that I couldn't share more with you what I was putting on the line every day. Things that really meant something and had some weight. I did lose integrity with some of them but I acknowledged them, and then moved on because that is what we can do and that keeps us in the present; not in the past upset because we didn't keep our word.
The final thing is acceptance. Accepting that we are just human beings. We are people that mess up, that lose our way, that accomplish amazing things, and that love. My most valuable belief is in humans. I believe in people and that we always, even not if it is until the time of judgement, will do the right thing. We really don't want to harm other people, unfortunately its a battle that is inherited to us at the moment of birth. Deep down though, we want greatness for everyone.
Accept who you are, and what you can change. Accept that you can change if you want to but also accept that you, who is reading this right now, is absolutely beautiful just the way you are.
Thank you all for following me through this!!!
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